LESSON 4Pirkei Avos (Ethics of the Fathers) 1:5 and 1:6
By Rabbi
Introduction
Can you imagine having a revelation directly from G-d? Yes, that very same G-d who appeared to Moses at the burning bush speaking directly to little old you! Well, Jewish tradition tells us that while that would surely be an experience to remember, there are things in life that are even more important and meaningful. According to the Talmud, taking the time to care for the needs of a fellow human being is even greater than experiencing the Divine presence of G-d. In Judaism, transcendent experiences (can't top a chat with God for that!) take a back seat to making our mundane daily lives more meaningful. The following two Mishnayos (plural for Mishna) teach us how to achieve personal growth through transforming our relationships and daily interactions with others.
Text of Mishna
5. Yose ben Yochanan of Jerusalem says: "Your home should be open wide to all, and poor people should be members of your household. Do not chat excessively with women; this is true even with your own wife, how much more so with another person's wife. The Sages said: one who chats excessively with women brings negative consequences upon himself, neglects Torah study, and is destined for eternal punishment."
6. Yeshoshua ben Perachya and Nitay of Arabel received the tradition from them. Yeshoshua ben Perachya says: "Accept upon yourself a teacher, acquire a friend, and judge all people favorably."
Quick Questions
- What is the deeper meaning behind the directive “your home should be open wide to all”? Are there ways to achieve the ideal of Mishna to make the poor "members of our household" without actually bringing in the homeless off the street?
- In today's modern society, where men and women freely interact with one another, is the Mishna’s teaching not to chat excessively with women still relevant? What sort of relationship are the Sages advising for husbands and wives if communication between men and women is discouraged?
- In Mishna 6, are the terms “teacher” and “friend” mutually exclusive? What is the essential difference between these two relationships?
Key Commentaries
- Three things broaden the disposition of a man's mind - a beautiful home, a beautiful wife, and beautiful furnishings (Talmud, Berachos 57b).
- One who lifts the spirits of the downtrodden is God-like (Maimonides [1135- 1204], Laws of Megillah 2:17).
- My father would always tell me "A person was not created for his own benefit, only to do whatever is in his ability to help others" (Rabbi Yitzchok of Volozhin quoting his father, Rabbi Chaim of Volozhin [1749-1821]).
The Torah does not discourage us from acquiring material possessions or owning a beautiful home, provided that we realize that the material gifts we’ve been blessed with were not given to us solely for our own personal benefit and enjoyment. Once we come to this realization, we will appreciate that giving to others has an inverse effect; the more we give, the more we appreciate what we have. By making “our home (i.e., our material possessions) open to all,” and “the poor members of our household,” by utilizing what we have to assist others, aside from the benefit enjoyed by others, we transform our material possessions into a source of spiritual enrichment and emotional fulfillment.
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- The Rabbis taught: One should love his wife as himself and honor her even more than himself. (Talmud- Tractate Yevamos 62B, Maimonides- Laws of Marriage 15:19)
As is apparent from the above statement and from numerous other sources in the Talmud, the Mishna is not advocating the avoidance of all speech with the opposite gender (see Talmud- Gittin 90a with the commentary of Rif & Rosh), and certainly not between husband and wife. What the Mishna is advising is that out of a sense of respect for women, men should avoid specific forms of speech and conversation that are inherently improper both for the speaker and the one being spoken to. This would include excessive socializing and flirtatious conversations. As innocent as such actions might appear, they are spiritually detrimental as well as disrespectful to the other party. We are required to speak with dignity and respect to everyone with whom we interact in the course of a day. (See commentary of Meiri.)
Particularly when it comes to the sacred husband/wife relationship, our Mishna is not advocating silence, as the value of positive, healthy and open communication in marriage cannot be overestimated. However, even with a spouse, this Mishna is teaching us to elevate the level of discourse above that of idle chatter and gossip. Our conversations with the most meaningful person in our life, with whom we are building a home and a future, should be appropriately uplifting and meaningful. Light conversation and sharing a good laugh with one’s spouse are certainly “kosher” and necessary, but that should not be the sole basis of a healthy marriage and relationship. Sharing goals, ideas and ideals, lifting the spirits of a spouse who’s feeling down and listening to their worries and concerns are all essential forms of communication that build and strengthen relationships. While we may be attracted to someone based on his or her sharp wit, conversational skills, and sense of humor, such qualities should not be, and cannot be, the exclusive basis for a lasting relationship.
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Mishna 6 stresses the importance of having a primary mentor who can be helpful in sorting through the varied, and sometimes conflicting, lessons to be learned from one’s life experiences. When one is faced with challenges, a mentor can guide his or her student to avoid simply taking the east way out and opt instead for the path that will lead to the greatest long-term benefit.
“Acquiring a friend” implies that while finding someone to “hang with” is easy to come by (as well as easy to lose), true friendship comes at a cost and it’s worth the price.
Practical Applications
The great Rabbi Chaim Soloveitchik (1853-1918), rabbi of the city of Brisk, Lithuania, was known both far and wide for his brilliant intellect. Yet his children testified that they were not sure which was greater -- his heart or his mind.
The poor were literally full-fledged members of his household, coming and going, eating and sleeping as though they lived there. His son remembers trying to go to sleep in his own bed and being angrily told by a pauper already lying there, "what place do you have here -- I got here first!” The walls of the Soloveitchik home were used to post public announcements. On more than one occasion a newborn child was abandoned at his doorstep. The parents, unable to care for their child, knew that in the Soloveitchik home the child would receive the proper care and attention.
His home was open to saint and sinner alike. A pregnant woman once came to him bemoaning the fact that she was pregnant and all alone, with no one to assist her. After some investigation, it was discovered that the woman’s husband had left her over a year ago and that someone other than her husband was the father of her child. Over the objections of those who felt that this woman was undeserving of their assistance, Rabbi Soloveitchik's response was, "That’s all the more reason she needs our help. Please take her into our home immediately and see to it that she receives the proper care."
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After the passing of his wife, the great Rabbi Akiva Eiger (1761-1837) expressed his love for her as follows: "I am as a broken vessel, my hands are heavy . . . With whom can I speak about my worries and be comforted? Who will notice and pay attention to me? How can I forget my right hand and give relief to my eyes by turning right or left and my helpmate is not with me? What mortal knows her outstanding righteousness and modesty better than I? Many times I had discussions with her until midnight on the subject of fear of God." (Letters of Rabbi Akiva Eiger, Machon Daas Torah, Jerusalem 5759, p. 169).
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"Any man whose business is primarily with women should be careful not to remain alone with them" (Talmud, Kiddushin 82a). Events in the not-so-distant past, involving the most prominent of people, have clearly demonstrated the wisdom of this advice.
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The Talmud teaches (Bava Basra 16b, Taanis 23a) that a life devoid of true friendship is equivalent to death.
Despite the biter and tragic dispute between King Saul and King David, a special bond of friendship developed between David and Jonathan, King Saul’s son. Through thick and thin, their mutual love and loyalty was not diminished. Such is a relationship that is acquired at great cost, but endures forever.
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The three keys to transforming relationships can best be summed up as:
- I will treat every human being with respect and speak to everyone with dignity.
- I will use the gifts I have been blessed with to benefit others.
- I will be especially careful to cherish my relationship with my spouse.
Resolution
I will focus on a goal that is important to me, and figure out what will be my best incentive toward achieving it, thus strengthening my willpower and resolve to see it through to the end.
Review Questions
In our communities, many people have beautiful homes. In what way can our homes be "open wide" for the benefit of others?
- In what practical way can we fulfill the ideal of making the poor "members of our household”?
- What forms of speech are inappropriate when speaking to the opposite gender?
Points to Ponder
You are walking down the streets of Manhattan and come across a homeless person. What is your usual reaction? What should your reaction be?
- Do people tend to flirt if their spouse is present?
- Why has there been a dramatic increase in recent years in the number of companies that have instituted strict policies regarding appropriate and inappropriate interactions in the workplace?
- Of all the acquaintances you have, how many of them could be described as true friends and why?
