LESSON 8 Pirkei Avos (Ethics of the Fathers) 1:13 and 1:14
By Rabbi
Meet The Real You
Understand who you are, and why you do the things you do
Introduction
A man came to a psychologist in search of the “Real Me”. At the end of the session the doctor asked him for $120. The patient responded, “If I am not the real me, why should I pay the $120? Let the real me pay the fee.”
Throughout history, mankind has searched for meaning and identity and has difficulty finding the proper tools for his journey. Let us analyze what our ancient Rabbi Hillel has to say on the matter of self-perception.
Text of Mishna:
11. He (Hillel) was accustomed to say: One who seeks fame, loses his good name: One who does not add (to his Torah knowledge) decreases it: One who refuses to teach others deservers to die: And one who exploits the crown of Torah shall fade.
12. He was accustomed to say: If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am for myself, what am I? And if not now, When?”
Quick Questions
“If I am not for myself, who will be for me?”
- This statement seems to be a selfish one. It seems that Hillel is saying that we can’t depend on others and that we should be self reliant. This statement seems to contradict a different statement in that very same Mishna: “When I am for myself, what am I?” which teaches that a person should not be self- centered, but rather be attuned to other peoples’ needs.
- This statement is also difficult to understand in the general context of Judaism. Although it is always better not to depend on others, we do believe that there is a G-d who runs the world. It is not man who has real control over his life. What does Hillel mean when he states “If I am not for myself, who will be for me?”
Key Commentaries
- Rabbi Mendel from Kotsk said: If I am I because I am I and you are you because you are you, then I am I and you are you. But, if I am I because you are you and you are you because I am I, then I am not I and you are not you.
- It is important for us to know who we really are; not what others want us to be. If you were like Robinson Caruso stuck on a desert island with no one else on it, would it matter to you if the shirt you were wearing was from a famous designer? So much of our energy is wasted on conforming to others!
Practical Applications
- In our daily morning prayer, “How goodly are your tents O Jacob, your dwelling places O Israel” as the praise of the Jewish people. Our sages explain that the openings of one tent did not face the openings of the tent opposite it. This is the secret to true happiness. Don’t look into your neighbor’s house, and you will find how much you will appreciate what you have.
- If you will take the time to think about it, you will probably find that people rely too much on other people’s opinions of them. We use other people’s opinions to gauge our success in life. We look around us and measure ourselves with others. We compare our house with our neighbor’s house, our car with our friend’s car, and even our children with other children we know. This practice only leads to jealousy and unhappiness.
The Torah teaches us to develop our own identity. Every person has his own mission in life. Our Rabbis tell us that symbolically every Jewish soul is represented by a letter in the Torah. Just as in the Torah, if two letters are even slightly touching each other the entire Torah scroll is invalid so in every person’s mission is individualized. If we internalize this idea the benefits can be far reaching.
There is no point in evaluating myself in relation to others because my friend’s accomplishments have no bearing on mine. The gifts, talents, or possessions he was given are the tools he needs to fulfill his mission in life. If I did not receive these tools it is obvious that they are not necessary for my mission.
Hillel is teaching that it is important for us to build our own self and to reflect on our strengths and weaknesses. We should endeavor to change what we can and at the same time move forward using our positive character traits. The message of “If I am not for myself, who will be for me” is: If I don’t develop my own self-perception and identify what is important to me, who could possibly do that for me.
Resolutions
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I will take five minutes today to reflect on what my goals would be if I was stranded on a deserted island. I understand that I must strive to impress no one but myself, according to my understanding of what G-d wants of me.
